Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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