You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
