Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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