fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
