Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
