I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
