It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
