jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
