I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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