I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
