so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
