Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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