i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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