good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
