tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
