this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
