So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
