Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Vodka?
Forever.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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