Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
