Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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