Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
