I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
