Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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