i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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