And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
