I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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