I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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