i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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