I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
