I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
