She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Acid is not a monday night drug
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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