with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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