I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Houston, we have a blender
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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