Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
