The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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