Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
