I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
