I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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