I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
