VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
me + whiskey = a bad person
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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