I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
