just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
