Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
