i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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