Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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