I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
