Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
