I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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