I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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