dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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