My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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