You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
