My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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