they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
