I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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