The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
