FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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