I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
